The Beer Religion

1 04 2009

Since deciding upon agnosticism following A-Level Philosophy, Peter discovered a new religion. This religion is known as:

“Beer”

The religion has many followers. Some worship on a daily basis, some on the final day of the week. Worship is flexible within the religion.

There are many places of worship, with each town and city having many. These places of worship are known as “Pubs.” The religion can also be worshiped in many other establishments. Followers can also worship in their own homes.

However, to be a true place of worship, the establishment must offer a variety of edible substances to accompany the Beer. At a basic level, this is a variety of “Crisps.” However, to be a true place of worship, the establishment should offer the scratchings of pork, known as “Pork Scratchings.

In March 2009 AD (/CE), Peter embarked on his first ever pilgrimage. He had consumed and worshiped the Beer in Pubs before, but had not truly demonstrated his allegiance.

So, one cold evening, he and two other pilgrims walked many metres to a “Parish Centre.” Here they were given a glass which was capable of containing a pint of beverage. They also bought vouchers for the sum of five gold coins. Inscribed upon the voucher were sums of money. In exchange for the Beer, the voucher was handed to the religious leader who crossed off the applicable sum of money with a permanently-marking pen.

When Peter entered the centre of pilgrimage, which was full of other pilgrims, he was in awe. Along one whole wall stood metal barrels containing Beer. The barrels contained the fruits of many denominations of the religion.

He requested to try the fruit of one such barrel, and was given a half-pint of Pitchfork. One gold coin and a tenth were crossed from his voucher.

He lifted the glass to his lips, tilted it, and sampled the Beer. It was good.

Peter decided to have half-pints for the rest of his stay in the centre of pilgrimage. This allowed him to sample as many fruits as possible from a number of denominations. The religious leader who gifted Peter with the fruit was generous with half-pints, and Peter thanked the religious leader.

Peter and the other two pilgrims were given an Order of Service. This contained the opening times for the four days of the Festival. It also contained a list of all the fruits from the denominations present.

There were no scratchings of pork to be seen at the centre of pilgrimage. However, Peter did not despair, because the finest food of all, a magnificent meal of “Pie, mushy peas and gravy,” was being administered by the wives of the religious leaders. Peter had “Meat and Potato” pie, and it was good, and hearty, and Peter was happy.

A few hours later, Peter had a “Hot Dog” which was served with onions. Again, Peter was happy.

Two groups of people created music for the entertainment of the pilgrims on a stage. The people created sound of high quality. Peter liked this.

As Peter drank the produce from the denominations of the religion, he noticed a very devout follower of Beer. The follower was dancing in front of the music people. This man had become intoxicated with love of Beer. The man had consumed too many fruits of the denominations of Beer.

By the end of the evening, Peter had tried eight different fruits of the religion’s denominations. These fruits were:

Pitchfork

Scotts 1816

Hen Harrier

Elsie Mo

Brewers Gold

Chocolate Stout

Manchester Bitter

Kletswater

Peter preferred some fruits more than others (Hen Harrier and Brewers Gold were good fruits), but he enjoyed them all.

Peter was happy that he had supported a local church (of Christianity), and was happy to know the two religions could operate together in harmony.

Peter returned to his sleeping quarters after his pilgrimage with a tipsy, happy and content soul. Peter slept well, and in the morning drank large quantities of water.

Peter continues to worship. His favourite denominations (which he drank before the pilgrimage) are Jennings and Thwaites. He also likes the offerings from the Black Sheep.

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8 10 2009
Your pub needs you « The Rambles of Peter

[…] 4, 2009 Earlier this year I posted a piece about my discovery of The Beer Religion. I have been a full, legal Beer follower since Spring 2008, but I’ve already discovered some […]

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