Buses – reasons to hate them

6 12 2009

Buses are awful things. They’re dreadful. Be honest, you agree with me. But, at the same time, I love to hate them.

Now, I know I can’t make such a controversial, bold, never-heard-before statement like that without supporting my argument, so in this post I’m going to tell you why I hate buses.

Buses are slowBuses are so slow that, when picking your nose, your fingernail will grow in the time it takes the bus to accelerate

They take a very long time to get up to speed. In fact, I’d wager a bet that if I started to pick my nose when we left the bus stop, by the time we reach the speed limit my fingernail would have grown so much that I would, in fact, be hacking away at the lower segment of my brain. That’s how slow buses are.

Buses are often late

My most recent experience with getting a bus involved waiting for 15 minutes after the thing was supposed to arrive. I was not pleased. The traffic was light and free-flowing, but the bus was still late. I can only suspect that the driver was late in setting off. I believe he was doing one of the following:

  1. Finishing a cup of tea or coffee. Why didn’t he make and drink it earlier?
  2. Talking to a colleague. He will see them tomorrow, or some other time. I am paying for both their salaries, I expect my driver to be there when I expect.
  3. Oversleeping. He should buy an alarm clock.
  4. Checking traffic and weather conditions, listening to local radio traffic bulletins. Very responsible, I admire his thoughtfulness.
  5. On the toilet. Fair enough – there’s a limit to how much control you can have over bodily functions.

Buses are smelly

They can be a mixture of any or all of the following (in order of most commmon):

  • Stale smell (general stale smell or damp stale smell)
  • Exhaust fume smell
  • Burning smell (brakes and/or clutch)
  • Sweat smell
  • Flatulence smell

I’ve found that the smell of damp is the most frequent offender. A bit of regular fresh air and Fabreeze would do the trick.

Buses are cramped

I have long legs relative to my height (I’m a smidgen over six feet). But even so, I’d like to be able to sit down without having to spread my legs at a right-angle. As such, I can’t wear shorts for fear of being arrested for indecent exposure.

Rather than having to take up the space of two seats with my legs akimbo, I’d just like to be able to sit down, with my legs in any formation which I desire. Surely, that’s an international human right.

Buses are rarely well-driven

The driver of the bus I was in most recently was okay, but not brilliant. Granted, he knew the dimensions of his vehicle, so fit through some fairly tight spaces, and his judgment wasn’t too bad either (although, up for argument). But, he wasn’t smooth.

Smoothness is not something I associate bus drivers with. Approaching lights which had just turned red, did he gently get onto the brakes in good time, bringing the bus to a smoothly and gentle stop? No, he just kept on going at the same speed, then braked when it was absolutely necessary.

I did not appreciate this driving style. I paid £5.90 for my Dayrider, I wanted to see signs of good observation and planning, not laziness.

Conclusion

To conclude, buses are dreadful. How can anyone like buses? How can there be any positives whatsoever in travelling on a bus? Read ‘Buses – reasons to love them‘ to find out.

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7 responses

6 12 2009
Oliver Bray

A good satirical (although very true) read! I expect more Mr Adamas

6 12 2009
William Scotts

Truth explained satirically

6 12 2009
Chandra

peter,

it happens in malaysia too!

9 12 2009
Buses – reasons to love them « Petrol and Peter

[…] Portfolio Buses – reasons to hate them […]

3 02 2010
Alice Stopczynski

Haha OK:
1. I’ve learnt form experience that buses are often late so I turn up just a tidge past the due time so I’m not waiting.
2. Breathe through your mouth and it helps with the smell.
3. Lol I must be special because I have no trouble whatsoever with sitting down on buses 🙂 but I do get thrown forward into the seat in front when the bus stops and I’m one of these that gets flung down the bus when I stand up to leave 😦 not good…

27 04 2010
Buses – reasons to love them « Peter Adams Journalism

[…] on earth would anyone love buses, you may ask. Very few people in the world love buses. In my previous post I said I hate buses. Now I’m saying I love buses. This love, though, is more like a guilty […]

17 03 2014
Saud

Great article! The truth has been exposed by someone! As a junior Airbus A330 first officer, I too dread long haul travel in buses. Perhaps the aspect I would the most is the operator’s Inc incompetence for hygiene. I hate finding bits of dried bread crumbs ony seat! >:@

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